Hunger

My soul yearns for you in the night;

in the morning my spirit longs for you (Is. 26:9).

 

As a child attending Catholic school, I would often slip into the quiet, still church at recess or during the summer break.  There I would experience peace and stillness; I would know a Presence that drew me.  But as an adult with three small children, I hungered for peace.  There was no 'slipping away" to find the Presence that would sustain me through the constant demands of my daily life, demands for which I found myself wholly inadequate to meet -- constant sickness and crying on the part of my children, my own inability to cope with meals, diapers, housekeeping, etc.  My spirit was weak, not strong; I did not know how to do what I was supposed to do every single day.  Moreover, I found that I could not find the time for what I most desperately needed -- communion with God.  If I got up early to pray, a baby would wake up crying; at night, I was so tired that I could barely drag myself into bed for the brief hour or less of sleep until the next feeding or waking time.

 

As I have written before, I sought help through all the gurus I could find:  Yoga, Transcendental Meditation, Unitarianism, Hare Krishnas, and Yokefellows.  I found that all of them had value; all of them were 'true,' in a sense, and their followers were good and holy people.  But there was a problem at the core of every 'system' I tried:  I had to 'do' it.  Every system I tried demanded kind of discipline on my part -- and here's the catch: if I possessed the discipline to follow this system, I would not have needed it.  If I had discipline, I could have 'gotten my life together' like other people did; I could have organized myself to deal with the children, the house, and the meals.  That's what I could not do!

 

Besides that, I desperately wanted peace inside instead of the sense of constant failure and fear that I was not equal to the task.  There is a Scripture somewhere that says, "Open wide your mouth, and I will fill it."  And in Hebrews, I think, Paul says, "He caused you to hunger in the desert that He might fill you with the finest of wheat."  Now that the Holy Spirit brought Scripture into my life that I might understand "how things work" in the spiritual life, I understand that God causes us to hunger for the very thing He wants to give us.  Moreover, He allows us to search for that which will fill our yearning in order that we might find it and know the Source of our contentment:

 

You will keep in perfect peace

him whose mind is steadfast,

because he trusts in you (Is 26:3).

 

When God answered my deep yearning by sending me two people who were not afraid to pray over and with me, I discovered that peace is a GIFT; I did not have to earn it by standing on my head, thinking wonderful and beautiful thoughts, taking off my shoes and wearing a yellow robe, or following any system of prayer.  It was GIVEN FREELY and without condition!!!!!  I did not have to 'do' anything except receive it with joy!   Everything I had been hungering for for so long was poured into my spirit without reserve!  What had just happened here?  Like the woman at the well, I dropped my 'water jug' and ran to the village --- the first person I could think of who would 'get it,' who would understand what I had just experienced, the first person I could think of with whom I would have communion of spirit -- Brenda Borges.

 

I had not known Brenda previously, but she had come up to me in church one day when I was sobbing all alone in the pew.  "Whatever it is," she said; 'give it to God!"  "That's just what I cannot do!" I sobbed.  When she heard I had a doctor's appointment the next day with James Seese, she was relieved.  She knew Dr. Seese, and she told me that he did not walk around the block without praying about it first, so she knew I was in good hands.  Sure enough, after I had poured out my heart to Dr. Seese, he asked if he could pray with me.  I had nothing to lose, so whatever he wanted to do was fine with me -- God knows I had tried everything else! 

 

And with that simple prayer, God poured all over me His Spirit of love and truth and peace.  I knew at that moment everything for which I had been hungering for so long; I knew that "I" did not have to 'do' anything as long as I had this wonderful peace.  For the first time in my life, I was "home."  In the days following, I found that I could walk in this peace, sit in it, lie down in it.  I needed to pray, but if I could not find the time to do so, I found I could trust God to give me what I needed when I needed it.  And lo and behold, one of my neighbors suddenly decided that she wanted to take all three of my kids to the bank with her!  What kind of madness was this?  I told God that whenever He gave me 20 minutes, I would sit down and pray -- and whenever He didn't, I would not fret.  I would remain in the peace He gave me.  And the time I had been so craving for communion with God began to open up here and there.  Such an amazing journey I was on: one that I had not been able to give myself up to that time. 

 

In the days to come, I continued to find everything I had been craving for so long: peace, joy, contentment, freedom from fear, and wonderful companionship with others who also knew the Source of all they needed.  Is it any wonder that I became a fanatic, a clown, a 'crazy charismatic'?

 

When God bends down to feed the hungry, will they not dance for joy and ignore the sneers of those who have not experienced the great hunger of their souls that has been filled by the gracious hand of God?