Amazing Grace!

After the first few steps in the Christian life, we realize that everything which really needs to be done in our souls can be done only by God--C.S. Lewis:  Mere Christianity

Even though I had attended church all my life and even tried to pray most of my life, there came a time when I desperately needed peace--or at least relief from constant anxiety.  I did not want to abandon my church; I still wanted to pray, but I knew I needed something more. 

I spent a few years attempting what seemed to work for others, at least in the 70's:  I tried Transcendental Meditation, Yoga (not the physical, only the mental/spiritual practice of sitting still and trying to find calm within), and Unitarianism (in the sense of reading the "inspirational" literature and trying to apply it.  

Here's what I discovered: all of these things brought a moment of peace and calm for the moment I was "doing it."  With three small children, those moments were few and far between.  I was frustrated because I could not find the time to program my soul for peace--even going to the bathroom and shutting the door was not permitted.  There was no "processing" time to re-gain my sanity; there was little time for sleep, even. 

Then, by a miracle of God's love, I needed an operation and landed in the hospital, worried about everything.  My roommate, a young girl in her early twenties, prayed for me, and the Spirit of God flowed through my body and mind with a peace I had never before experienced.  I did not need to "do" it; I did not need to think beautiful thoughts or still my body----it was all being done for me and in me by a power and a strength I had never before known.  Peace, Joy, Trust, Laughter, Goodness---everything I had been searching for began to flow through me in a tangible way. 

I was scared I would lose this gift in the midst of my busy life when I returned home, when I could no longer sit and pray---as if my sitting and praying had had this effect previously!  Since my doctor had once prayed for me in his office prior to surgery, I told him my fears.  Laughing, he told me that 14 years before, he had had the same experience, and that it just kept getting better.  "You don't have the Holy Spirit," he explained. "He has you---and He's not letting go; even if you walk away from Him, He will follow you around the corner, bringing you back." 

Reassured, I relaxed and let God take the lead. 

The next six weeks were recovery time for me, as my mom and dad took over the house and care of the children.  During that time, someone called from a newly-opened bookstore to tell me I had won a bible.  Now I had never in my life won anything, and I had forgotten that I had dropped my name in the box some weeks before at the opening of the store.  The Bible came alive to me under the annointing of the Spirit during the following days.  Not only did I have peace, but I had food for my mind and soul, food to strenthen me for the journey ahead.  When I recovered, I was hooked on the Bible, and it gradually began to replace all the negative thoughts I had been cultivating for years.  I found my anger and fear and resentment and frustration being replaced by confidence and peace and trust. 

The best part was that I didn't have to manufacture peace for myself through TM, yoga, or "thinking good thoughts."  I was being fed by a Source from above.  God Himself was moving into my life, my thoughts, my physical body through His Spirit which had been poured out on me as a Gift.  Finally, I was even able to let go of my need to find time to pray---and the resulting frustration over not being able to do that.  I "gave up," telling God that when He gave me the time to pray, I would take it, but that I would not fight for it in the meantime. 

Amazingly, the lady across the street, whose children were grown, started asking if she could take the kids with her to the bank and the post office---short, 20 minute rides which gave me a moment to sit and pray.  How does God do that?  And why would anyone without children do that?

C.S.Lewis was exactly right!  After we ask God for the Gift of His Spirit, we must realize that there is nothing we can do for ourselves.  Whatever is done in us by God will last; whatever we insist on doing for ourselves, He will let us do until we finally realize the hopelessness of trying to give ourselves what only He can give.