On Dying and Rising

 Each of us, according to Walter Burghardt, S.J., is a unique authority on our own Calvary.  It is not necessary for anyone else to lay a cross on us, for each of us carries a painful circumstance--or more--- unrecognized by the rest of the world.  And most often we carry it alone.  When we try to explain it to others, there are no words to convey our experience, our suffering.  We recognize the silence of Christ before Pilate: "I cannot explain it to you."

During the last three weeks, my husband and I (at 80 and 87) have been moving to a new house and trying to prepare the former house for sale.  Most people our age are moving into retirement homes, where life becomes more simple and where other people do things for them.  What was difficult and stressful at the age of 50 or 60 becomes extraordinarily more so at 80 and 87, when the body refuses to cooperate with the demands of the situation.  

To make things even more stressful, I was planning to leave the country for three weeks as soon as the move was completed, leaving my husband to deal with an unorganized household of unpacked boxes, unhung pictures sitting on the living room floor, and our former garage full of things that needed to be disposed of.  Neither of us had had a clue as to how demanding it would be to empty a 3100 square foot house, holding 50 years of accumulated treasures.

Under the stress of carrying heavy boxes day after day, my husband developed back spasms and sciatica, leaving him unable to move for about a week.  Concern for him added to my burdens of loading and unloading 3-4 carloads a day, the discovery of mold in our new house, sudden leaks in the house we were trying to sell, exposed hotwires in unexpected places, and the demands of our agent to update and paint an aging house.

Finally, I was sleeping only 2-3 hours a night, eating irregularly the wrong foods since I had no time to cook, and starting each day at one o'clock in the morning --- until my body finally shut down also and I could no longer function at all.  We both desperately needed help!

In my last entry, I wrote about the experience of "solution found!" that becomes the starting point of faith in the presence and faithfulness of God.  As Abraham journeyed from his homeland to a new land, he built an altar whenever he reached a new place, "and there he called on the name of the Lord" (Gen. 12).  From Genesis on, we find those who call on the name of the Lord and find "an ever-present help in distress" (Ps. 46).

When I finally reached the end of my own strength and ability to cope, I had no choice but to rely entirely on the Lord for help -- and I was not disappointed or "put to shame" (Romans 10:11). I began to be amazed at the people who showed up at just the right time to lend a hand or to solve a problem entirely beyond our capabilities.  

Even the small things I had not thought about were taken care of -- someone showed up spontaneously at the chapel one day as I arrived for my assigned hour of adoration.  I had not even considered that I would need a replacement during my 3-week absence.  This person had never before attended adoration and was looking for a time slot to fill.  I had planned to stop on the way for gas and decided at the last minute to get it afterward. That decision put me at the chapel just in time to meet this new person, who was delighted to fill my time slot for the next few weeks.  Solution found!

St. Julie Billiart said it so well:  Let us endure with courage the painful little experiences that Divine Providence allows to befall us.  They are a necessary part of every life, and force us to place all our trust in God, for He alone can support and guide us.

I am not at all sure I have "endured with courage" the pain and stress of the past few weeks, but I will never forget the Lent of this year, when I have come to experience a kind of dying and rising, an overcoming with the help of God the painful experiences that each of us must face in our lives.