A Prayer Journal

Dear God, I cannot love Thee the way I want to.  You are the slim crescent of a moon that I see and my self is the earth's shadow that keeps me from seeing all the moon.  The crescent is very beautiful and perhaps that is all one like I am should or could see; but what I am afraid of, dear God, is that my self shadow will grow so large that it blocks the whole moon, and that I will judge myself by the shadow that is nothing.

I do not know you God because I am in the way.  Please help me to push myself aside.

-- Flannery O'Connor, Journal, 1946

Yesterday, I wrote about 'icons' through which we catch a glimpse of God, and I said that Flannery O'Connor has always been one of my favorite icons.  Her story "A Good Man is Hard to Find" took my breath away when I first read it; like Jesus, she has a way of turning all our expectations upside down.  Her writing exposes our prejudices, "exalting the humble and casting down the mighty." 

Her prayer journal, which she kept for only one year as a college student, reveals an inner life seeking God.  She earnestly desired that her writing be service to God:  Please let Christian principles permeate my writing and please let there be enough of my writing published for Christian principles to permeate, she wrote.  But her seeking God was neither "pious" nor sweet -- it was rough and honest: 

I do not mean to deny the traditional prayers I have said all my life; but I have been saying them and not feeling them.  My attention is always very fugitive....My intellect is so limited, Lord, that I can only trust in You to preserve me as I should be....I would like to write a beautiful prayer, but I have nothing to do it from.  There is a whole sensible world around me that I should be able to turn to Your praise; but I cannot do it.  Yet at some insipid moment when I may possibly be thinking of floor wax or pigeon eggs, the opening of a beautiful prayer may come up from my subconscious and lead me to write something exalted. I am not a philosopher or I could understand these things.

Even as a twenty-year old college student, O'Connor consecrated her life to God, asking that He lead her where she should go.  She feared remaining in church because of laziness or fear of hell; she wanted more of God than she deserved to ask, in her opinion.  She was often discouraged about her work, but wholly believed that it was God who directed her in it:

Don't let me ever think, dear God, that I was anything but the instrument for Your story -- just like the typewriter was mine.....dear God, I wish you would take care of making it a sound story because I don't know how, just like I didn't know how to write it but it came.

O'Connor's honesty and humility inspire me as much as her stories.  One of the funniest and yet most inspiring books I have read is The Habit of Being, a collection of her letters to friends and acquaintances.  Reading this book often sent me into peals of laughter, even though I was reading it in bed late at night.  O'Connor's unpretentious ways of seeing life were a reflection of her honest appraisal of her own weaknesses and those of others, and yet of her absolute faith that God is with us through it all.  Once, someone asked her opinion of the feminist movement, still in its very infancy.  Her reply was that she had never thought to divide the world into "male" and "female" categories; rather, she said, she tended to divide people into "irksome" and "not so irksome" labels. Now, that's honest!

Through Flannery O'Connor's eyes, the world tends to be set upright and its falsity exposed.  In contact with her, through her letters, her stories, and her prayers, I begin to see things sometimes the way I imagine God might see them, could I consult Him. 

Icons

Every person is the very icon of God incarnate in the world 

--- Mother Maria Skobtsova, Orthodox Nun and Martyr (1891-1945).

 The woman quoted above survived the revolution of 1923 in Russia and escaped to Paris where she began to serve destitute Russian refugees.  She opened a soup kitchen and lived in the basement, where she slept on a cot beside the boiler.  After the German occupation of Paris, she worked with her chaplain to hide and rescue Jews, leading eventually to her arrest, along with her son.  She died on Holy Saturday, March 31, 1945, after two years in the Ravensbruck concentration camp.

I have a friend who does not like icons, because she thinks they are "creepy."  I never quite understood the art of icons myself, until I read that the wide, staring eyes of the figures mean that we are supposed to gaze through them to heaven, and through them, heaven is supposed to gaze back at us.  When I visited a Russian Orthodox Church in St. Petersburg, I began to appreciate icons more.  There, one is surrounded by icons, as many as can be placed on the wall, not just one layer, but several layers of icons -- one at eye level, one above, and one below.  As I stood there amongst the Russian worshippers following the service, I did have the feeling of being surrounded by saints through whom I could see the face of God and through whom God could see me.

And the "saints" were not just those who depictions hung on the walls, but also those who devoutly worshipped God, who stood around me making the sign of the cross frequently and bowing low in reverence.  (No one sits in a Russian Orthodox Church, as there are no pews or kneelers -- everyone stands. From my observation, it might make for a more devout and attentive American congregation if we followed their practice.)

Anyway, I recalled that experience several days ago when I read the quote from Maria Skobtsova-- every person is an icon of God incarnate in the world.  I had always heard that we were supposed to see Jesus in every person we meet, but most of the time I failed miserably on that account.  Occasionally, I would see a suffering soul -- an alcoholic, a homeless person, someone suffering from hunger or poverty -- and I would see the suffering Jesus.  But on a day to day basis, especially when I worked with some difficult people, I simply did not know how to "see Jesus" in them. 

However, recently, I spent some time with someone whose values and views on life had often clashed with my own, someone I had resented at times for her obsession with Hollywood and tv stars and their lives.  While she was talking to me about the recent death of a Hollywood star, I suddenly recalled Maria Skobtsova's quotation -- and I saw in my friend an "icon" of God.  Jesus is the "exact Image" of the invisible God -- and we are partial, totally inexact, and poorly representational images of the invisible God --- but images nevertheless.  A person can give to others only what she herself possesses, and whatever God has given to any of His creatures is a part of who He is and what He possesses. 

So through our eyes, others can see God, and God can see us.  Sort of changes the way we see things, I think.  Tomorrow, God willing, and computer cooperating, I will write about one of my favorite "icons" of God  -- Flannery O'Connor.

Knowing God

Now this is eternal life:  That they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom You have sent (Jn. 17:3).

 

Philip said, "Lord, show us the Father, and that will be enough for us."  Jesus answered: "Don't you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen Me has seen the Father"(Jn. 14:8-9).

 

In all thy ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths (Proverbs 3:6).

 

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In the original Hebrew, the passage from Proverbs above is more literally, "in all your ways know Him."  This fundamental statement of how to relate to God implies more than mere reverence.  Nodding in God's direction is not enough: you must know him by living closely with him, relating to him personally in every aspect of your life [note in The Student Bible (New International Version).

 

If eternal life consists in knowing God, it makes sense that He must necessarily reveal Himself to mankind.  Otherwise, though wise men may speculate about who He is, none of us could really "know" Him.  In the Hebrew language, to "know" someone means not speculation, but intimacy with.  For example, Adam "knew" Eve, and she conceived a son.  In the quotation from Proverbs above, "In all thy ways, know Him, and He will direct thy paths," we see daily intimacy with the Lord, not necessarily theological understanding. 

 

And how are we to truly "know" God?  From the beginning, God revealed Himself to Abraham, who grew to know God on the journey, on the way to a land "he knew not" -- nor did he know the way.  Daily, he depended on revelation, on listening, on hearing the voice of the One Who guided him, and who taught him, despite mistakes along the way.  I have a friend who does not believe we should honor Abraham; because of his great error(s), we have the eternal division between Jews and Arabs, for example.  However, we honor Abraham not because he was perfect and upright, but because he knew God in all his ways.  As a model for us, he walked with God, learning as he went, and he trusted that God would not abandon or forsake him, even in his errors and mistakes. 

 

God continued to reveal Himself to men and women throughout the Old Testament, even when they went astray.  Reflecting on His continuous revelation to the Jews gives us His Word -- his revelation to mankind.  And finally, He sent His own Son, the "exact representation of the eternal God," "the refulgence of His eternal glory." 

 

Whoever sees Jesus, the Living Word -- revelation-- sees the Father.  In Jesus, we see the Father scooping up the poor, the oppressed, the depressed, the leper, the outcast, the woman at the well, the hungry and thirsty, the one on the fringe -- we see the embrace of God to mankind.  Whatever we see Jesus do, we know for sure that it is the Father "living in him, doing His work" (Jn 17).   How can we be afraid of the Father when we have seen the Son, who 'pitched his tent among us'? 

 

And how can we now be afraid of death, when we have seen the Son who has overcome man's last and greatest threat?  The Son himself has tasted death for all of us and has conquered it.  And not death only -- but intense suffering beforehand.  I have heard people say they are not afraid to die, but they are afraid of suffering, of pain.  Jesus took on our life, our flesh, our humanity to go through it with us and going through it, to conquer it in our place.  His Spirit living in us is victorious over all the threats of our enemies.

 

And this is why Jesus is the (only) way to the Father.  Only He can impart to us true knowledge/experience of the only true God.  Only His Spirit in us can overcome death and suffering and lead us to the Father.  There is no other way to know God and thus to have eternal life.



Deuteronomy revisited

The book of Deuteronomy is Moses' commentary on the events of Exodus.  Much of the Bible is actually a re-visiting, or a commentary on previous historical events.  That is why just a smattering, or a surface reading, of the bible is not enough -- we have to understand the original reference, plus the reflection on the meaning of the event. 

Deuteronomy is the purest form of Jewish historical writing because it explains the meaning behind the events of the Exodus.  As a prophet, Moses saw history from God's perspective, especially toward the end of his life.  Jewish historical writing always seeks to explain the significance of what happened.  We might call it a philosophy of history, or history from the Divine perspective.

The events in Deuteronomy cover about two months, including 30 days of mourning for Moses.  The book records the last words of Moses to the people of Israel as they prepare to cross the Jordan River into the Promised Land, after 40 years of wandering in the wilderness.  The crossing takes place about one month after Moses' death.

The book opens with the words of a narrator who sets the words of Moses into context; it helps to consult a good map as you read, because the narrator gives the historical events as background to Moses, and Moses himself reviews the journey leading up to the crossing into Canaan.

In chapter 1, he reminds the people that when they had set out from Egypt and arrived at Mt. Horeb (Sinai), their numbers were so large that he could no longer act as judge for them.  So he appointed "wise and respected men" from each tribe as judges of "thousands, of hundreds, of fifties, and of tens and as tribal officials."  And he told them, "Bring me a case too hard for you, and I will hear it."  Nowhere in the world up to this time had such a system existed, but this system originating in the wilderness of Sinai eventually became the basis for our system of lower courts, district courts, state courts, and the Supreme Court system of the United States.

Later on, Moses will tell the people that because they were governed by the laws of God, their reputation would increase among other nations who saw their wisdom and understanding and say, "Surely this great nation is a wise and understanding people" (Deut. 4:6).  God was teaching them to govern themselves, as a free people, unlike other nations governed only by kings and despots.  Ronald Reagan once observed that in the United States, by law, the country was to be governed by 'we the people' instead of by kings and nobility. 

The philosophy under which we live as a free people comes to us directly from the history of the Jewish people in the desert.  Having been freed from slavery, they needed at least 40 years to learn the mentality of freedom before they were to settle on a land and govern themselves under the leadership of "wise and respected" men.

I cannot help but reflect on the fact that when the US was governed by the laws of God as public policy embraced by the people at large, other nations saw us as a "great nation of wise and understanding people."  I am afraid that, as we lose the focus of God in our nation, our world reputation also diminishes.  Like the nation of Israel, we are becoming more like the 'pagan' nations around us and less and less like the light of the world.

God said to Abraham (and to his descendants), "I will bless you and you will be a blessing" (to the whole world).  When people ask, "Why were the Jews chosen?" the answer is that they were chosen to be the conduit through which God could bless the entire world.  As other nations witnessed what it meant to be in relationship with the God of Israel, and what the results could be, they were to be drawn into the same relationship, sharing in the blessings of Israel.  Unfortunately, not remaining in relationship with Yahweh exposed the nation of Israel to the results of consorting with pagan deities:  child-sacrifice, moral weakness, vulnerability to their enemies, etc. 

We have much to learn from reflecting on the words of Moses in Deuteronomy.

Here in this spot.....

What other nation is so great as to have their gods near them the way the Lord our God is near us whenever we pray to him? (Deut. 4:7)

 

Jesus didn't come to give us small-time rules and regulations.  He came to reveal great truths -- truths that stagger the mind.  Spend some time with one of those great truths: Jesus is truly God, and truly one of us.  And He is present to me now (--from The Little White Book: Friday, March 18).

 

Recently, I was able to visit the Church of the Annunciation in Nazareth.  At the time of the Annunciation, Nazareth was such a backwater village that its entire population consisted of about 50 people.  The site where the church now stands probably takes up most of the space of the original village. 

 

But as soon as I entered the church, I thought, "Here, in this spot on earth, God became man, taking on the flesh of the Virgin, becoming one of us."  I was so moved by the idea that "here, on this spot,"  the spot where I now stood, Jesus took on human flesh and "pitched his tent among us," in the words of St. John.  Is He not still there in memory, in Presence, in Spirit -- the place where he was cherished as a child, where He learned the Law in the local synagogue, the place where he learned to help Joseph in the workshop?

 

Is He not still there among the villagers, the Christians, the Jews, the Muslims who pursue their daily  tasks, the sellers and shop-keepers who daily squeeze pomegranate juice and orange juice for visitors from all over the world, and those who sell rosaries on the sidewalk?

 

There is something about walking in the same village that Jesus walked, about traveling the short distance from there to Cana, and beyond there to the other villages and remote spots around the sea of Galilee that makes one sense the Presence of God on earth in a way that we don't usually sense it in New Orleans or New York City, for example.

 

In re-reading the Book of Deuteronomy, I see Moses telling the people how close, how present, God is to them at all times.  They had experienced His Presence with them for 40 years in the desert, in the pillar of cloud by night and the pillar of fire by day, leading them and causing them to rest at times.  And now, as they are about to enter the Promised Land, the signs of His presence with them will change:

 

The Lord will send a blessing on your barns and on everything you put your hand to.  The Lord your God will bless you in the land He is giving to you.  The Lord will establish you as His holy people, as He promised you on oath, if you keep the commands of the Lord your God and walk in His ways.  Then all the peoples on earth will see that you are called by the name of the Lord, and they will fear you.  The Lord will grant you abundant prosperity-- in the fruit of your womb, in the young of your livestock, and the crops of your ground-- in the land He swore to your forefathers to give you. 

The Lord will open the heavens, the storehouse of his bounty, to send rain on your land in season and to bless all the work of your hands.  You will lend to many nations but will borrow from none.  The Lord will make you the head, not the tail.  If you pay attention to the commands of the Lord your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom.....(Deut. 28).

 

It is interesting, once we are familiar with the New Testament and especially the words of Jesus on Holy Thursday, to re-read Deuteronomy, the final words of Moses before his death.  Both leaders stress the continuing Presence of God among His people:

 

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged (Deut. 31:8 -- and also in v. 6).

 

The words of Jesus in the Gospel of John on the night before His death echo the final words of Moses to the Israelites:  Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me.  He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him.....if anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching.  My Father will love him and we will come to him and make our home with him....Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.....(see Deut. 7:21).....

 

Anyone who reads Chapters 14-16 of John will see and hear echoes of Moses in Deuteronomy as he prepared to leave his beloved people.  They (the people) were prepared to enter the Promised Land under the leadership not of Moses himself but of his delegate, Joshua.  And Jesus, preparing his church, his people, to enter and dwell in another promised land, under the leadership of his delegate, Peter, also promises that He will "go with us," His Presence will never leave or forsake us.

 

Both men stress the continuing Presence of God with us, "here in this spot."  It is easier to "feel" in the Holy Land, in Nazareth, on the very ground where Jesus once walked, but it is no less true on our holy ground, that God is with us.  Reading the Book of Deuteronomy makes me want to weep, when I read the signs of God's continuing Presence among His people.  I see in those words the promises of God also to America, and I see in both nations the failure to listen and obey the words of the Lord. 

 

I have been reading and thinking much about the current situation of Israel, trying to understand where they are now in reference to the promises of God to be with them.  And again, I see echoes in America of the same situation that I see in Israel.  Maybe in a future blog, I can try to capture what I am now seeing. 

 



 



 





The Tree of Life

I have been writing a lot about the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil -- that is, the tree located in the soul of man (his intellect, his will, and his emotions).  But there is another tree in the Garden of Paradise-- the Tree of Life, from which man is not only free to eat at will, but which is necessary for him to sustain life itself.

When we are "rooted and grounded" in Christ, His Spirit flows through our souls (our hearts, our minds, our wills) to produce fruit 60, 70, or 100 fold.  Isaiah 11 gives us the characteristics of Christ's Spirit:  wisdom, knowledge, understanding, counsel, piety, fortitude, and fear of the Lord.  We learned these at one time as the "Gifts of the Holy Spirit.  When we draw our view and understanding of the world from these roots, our lives produce the "Fruits of the Holy Spirit:" love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, generosity, gentleness, and self-control.

Most of us are desperately searching for love, joy, and peace, without realizing that we are looking in the wrong direction.  These are produced by a tree whose roots are in good soil, the Spirit of God.  We cannot produce these fruits by eating of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.  Another way to name that tree is to call it the Tree of Sensuality -- that is, the fruit revealed to us by the senses.

When we reach down deep for Wisdom, Knowledge, and Understanding of the way mankind and the world systems operate, we begin to see the artificiality and superficiality of the world.  We begin to see from God's viewpoint: "My ways are not your ways, nor are My thoughts your thoughts...."  But there is a remedy for that situation --- God sends His word deep into the hearts and minds of those who seek Him, and His word produces fruit that will last:

As the rain and the snow come down from heaven,

and do not return to it without watering the earth

and making it bud and flourish so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

It will not return to me empty,

but will accomplish what I desire

and achieve the purpose for which I sent it (Is. 55: 10-11)

 

(Read the next few verses to see what "fruit" is produced by the Word of God in our lives.)

 

In the Parable of the Sower, Jesus tells us that He Himself is the Sower, and the seed is the Word of God.  He is sowing good seed into our hearts.  If our hearts are prepared to receive the seed, we will become rooted and grounded in the Gifts of the Holy Spirit, and our lives will produce fruit that will last forever.

If You Knew the Gift of God.....

Conscience, Intuition, Communion --  All three rely on direct sensing, independent of any outside influence.  They represent a kind of knowledge which comes to us without any help from the mind, emotions, or will.  We really know through intuition; the mind helps us to understand what we know.  All the movements of the Holy Spirit on our human spirit are known through conscience, intuition, and communion.
                                            (  --- from yesterday's posting on Body, Soul, Spirit)
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Late January 2010:  I was standing in my back yard surveying the damage from a recent freeze, thinking about all the work I'd have to do when spring arrived.  Suddenly, without explanation, I was surrounded from top to bottom by a bubble of deep peace, and I knew that I would not be doing that yard work.  At the time, I thought it meant I was going to die, and the peace that surrounded me made it all okay.

"Okay," I said, "just give me time to clean out the attic so the kids don't have to do it when I'm gone."  Immediately, still surrounded by a bubble of peace, I went inside and started cleaning out the attic, not telling my husband why I was suddenly so industrious.  Two weeks later, I found out that I had lung cancer; in fact, the surgeon sent me home to die after my first visit with him, because he said the cancer was in both lungs, and there was nothing he could do.  Chemo was not effective with this type of cancer, he told me.  Still, the peace remained.  I already "knew" I was going to die; it didn't matter much HOW I was going to die.

Surprisingly, the surgeon who sent me home on a Friday afternoon called me on Tuesday morning.  "I spoke to your pulmonologist," he told me.  "He thinks that what is in your left lung is not cancer, but inflammation.  Regardless, he wants me to treat the right lung."  Again, perfect peace reigned in me.  The surgeon decided to cut me down the middle, as they do with open-heart surgery, so he could look at both lungs.  He ended up cutting out most of the right lung and doing three excisions in the left lung.

Two weeks later, as I was learning to breathe all over again, I thought to myself, "I guess I'm not going to die; I'd better figure out what I am going to do."  That was six years ago.  I am eternally grateful to the pulmonologist whose intuition told him that it was not cancer in the left lung, showing up on the PET scan.  Both doctors viewed the same scan; one sent me home to die, and one said, "Not so fast!"  How did the latter know he was looking at inflammation in the left lung?  Intuition -- and maybe communion with God also.

And the peace that surrounded and enveloped me throughout the event?  A Gift from God:  intuition, communion -- beyond any knowledge my mind or emotions or "positive thinking" could have conjured up in those circumstances.  I thought I was going to die two weeks before I had a clue that I had lung cancer -- and I knew myself and my life to be in the hands of a loving God.  Nothing was going to happen to me that He did not know about, and I trusted Him. 

I am so thankful for good doctors, and for the amazing work of God in both the skill and knowledge of the doctors and in me.  He preserved me from all anxiety, worry, fear, and restlessness.  I never lost a moment's sleep over the diagnosis or over the surgery.  Throughout the entire time, I felt wrapped up in the peace of God. 

Jesus told the woman at the well, "If you knew the Gift of God, you would ask....and I would give a spring of water welling up to eternal life."  What an amazing Gift!  If only I could tell the world......