I Am That Man!

 I just finished reading a book that made me madder and madder the further I read.  The name of the book is Why I Am Not an Atheist: the Confessions of a Skeptical Believer by Christopher Beha.  The reason the book made me so mad was that there was almost no autobiographical information at all throughout, despite the implications of the title.  

As a teenager, Beha left the Catholic church in which he had been raised and then eventually embarked on a ten-plus year long study of philosophy.  The book turned out to be equivalent to a Master's study of the history of philosophy.  Now, I actually like philosophy in small doses, those I can actually digest, but if I had wanted a book on the history of philosophy, that's what I would have ordered.  Surprisingly, Beha makes very few-and-far-between comments on the effects of his study on him personally.

He tells us in great depth what the individual philosophers taught, and even the impact of their teachings on the cultures and times in which they lived. But the in-depth explanations of rationalism, phenomenology, and all the other "isms" left me cold.  "But what does it mean?" I wondered for hundreds of pages, eventually skipping dozens of those pages looking for something either I could relate to or something that Beha himself related to.

The more I read, the more determined I got to give this book an absolute horrible review on Amazon.com. People deserved to know what they were getting in this book, I thought!

Fortunately, and finally, I perservered to the end of the book, and Amazon automatically closed the manuscript the way they do with Kindle books.  But not before I spotted a final chapter of the book, entitled "Postlude,"  (the opposite of Prelude, obviously).  In that final chapter, obviously not important enough for Amazon to consider, Beha finally writes the message I had been ready to read!  In that final word, Beha goes on to tell what happened after he sent his finished manuscript off to the editor.  He began a new novel about a young lapsed Catholic writer and his fascination with an old girlfriend who has converted to Catholicism.  In that book, he put all his quarrels with God, but he also tried to address the fact that he couldn't quite get over him.  After he had sent that book off to a publisher, he experienced the most severe bout of depression he had ever faced.  He was almost paralyzed with dread and though repeatedly about killing himself.  He imagined he would stay in this situation for the rest of his life.  He drank too much and cut himself off from people around him.  He said he wanted companionship but he also wanted to dedicate himself entirely to the creation of his own meaning.  That a life shared with others might play some part in that creation hardly occurred to him.

Eventually he met a young woman who treated his writing as comic novels.  He tried to explain that he was writing about "the indictment of the superficiality of contemporary culture."  She nodded: "It sounds like comedy," she said. Finally, instead of trying to impress her, he tried to make her laugh and discovered that he was capable of making someone else happy --- and that made him happy at last:

        My life was filled t love, but there was something in this love that demanded I make sense of it.  The light and the warmth of this sun were baffling.  Where were they coming from?  What did they mean?

Beha reviewed his 15-year-long study of philosophy and then told himself:  Suppose you start with love.  That was the one and certain thing in my life.  If I took this for true, what else would have to be true with it?

        He and his then wife decided to return to church, just for something to do to have a sense of community, time for reflection, and the experience of ritual.  And then one Sunday morning, he listened to a reading from John's first letter:  Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God,and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God...If we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.

For the first time, Beha realized that when we love, God becomes a part of us; the warmth and the light he was now experiencing was God!

He also understood for the first time that God exists outside of time and space, beyond the range of human understanding through reason:  "God can well be loved, but he cannot be thought" (from the 14th century The Cloud of Unknowing.)  He finally understood that life is not a problem to be solved by the intellect, a thing that must be mastered by being understood.  And that is why mystics are not trying to convinced anyone of anything!  They are simply saying how it is for them.  Beha discovered that we have a capacity for knowledge that does not come by sense experience, but that comes through love and the grace of God.

Beha eventually stumbled across the Catechism of the Catholic Church, which begins with these words: Faith is man's response to God,who reveals himsef and gives himself to man, at the same time giving man a superabundant light as he searches for the ultimate meaning of life.  Beha commented upon reading those words that they were a "pretty good way to describe what I found when I started going to Mass again."

What I can say is that the path I'd been on all this time had brought me to the place where I was both intellectually and emotionally prepared to listen to the voice within, a voice that I know had been there all along, a voice I had been taking great pains to keep quiet.

And finally, Beha quotes one of his favorite philosophers:  "The Christian religion is only for the man who needs infinite help."  "Over many years," writes Beha, "I have come to discover that I am that man."

Amen, Mr. Beha, I am actually glad I read your book!

When the King Returns

 I recently saw Christopher Nolan's movie The Odyssey, and since then many people have asked whether I liked it.  As someone who has read and loved the original story in verse, the movie version did not have a great appeal to me --- but that is not to say that Nolan did not do a good job with it.  For me, movies do not usually match the printed story, and I suppose that is because they never quite replicate my imagination.  The only exceptions for me so far have been The Secret Garden and Dr. Zhivago, although I must admit that I do not see many movies, so my judgment is extremely constrained.  

The Secret Garden was exactly the way I pictured it in reading; in Dr. Zhivago, the director used the uniques qualities of film to convey more than "the story."  He used color, sound, and motion to convey the "spiritual" and ineffable depth of experience that comes with the reading of an outstanding novel.

To be fair to Christopher Nolan, I cannot imagine anyone capturing the song of The Odyssey on film.  After all, recent research indicates that Homer's original story, much like the way the Bible was written, was added to and enhanced by one generation after another of storytellers/poets, all of whom used Homer's original catch-phrases to link their additions to the original.

That being said, there was one scene in Nolan's film that stirred and moved me -- the scene when Odysseus returns home disguised as a beggar.  I could not help but connect the imagery to Jesus' story in Matthew 25 about His return: For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat; I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink; I was a stranger and you invited me in; I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me; I was in prison and you came to visit me.

 Although I was disturbed at the way the film took liberties with the original ending of The Odyssey, the homecoming scene in which the faithful servants and friends of Odysseus recognized him moved me.  One by one, they knelt, bowed their heads, and began to rhythmically pound their staffs on the floor in recognition and fealty to their Lord.

And I wondered:  will I/we recognize Jesus as LORD when He returns?  Will I/we kneel in homage and fealty to One we love and honor?  Or will I/we cower in fear and trepidation at His return?

I do have to thank Christopher Nolan for the beautiful image of servants and friends who recognize in a ragged beggar the Lord whom they loved and for whose return they have awaited for so many years.

Just for Fun

 I Worried

Mary Oliver

I worried a lot.  Will the garden grow, will the rivers flow in the right direction, will the earth turn as it was taught, and if not, how shall I correct it?

Was I right, was I wrong.  Will I be forgiven, can I do better?

Will I ever be able to sing, even the sparrows can do it and I am, well, hopeless.

Is my eyesight fading or am I just imagining it, am I going to get rheumatism, lockjaw, dementia?

Finally I saw that worrying had come to nothing. And gave it up. And took my old body and went out into the morning,

and sang.

Do Our Lives Matter to God?

 I am presently reading a book called The Mattering Instinct, by Rebecca Goldstein.  According to the author, we all need to know that our lives "matter," that it is worth the energy it takes to maintain our lives.  Goldstein holds that it has nothing to do with how we feel about ourselves --- rather, we need external evidence that our lives matter.  And her book goes into the four principle ways that we strive to "matter" in this life:  the transcenders, the heroic strivers, the competitors, and the socializers.  

Although I am just a little way into the book, I am finding her theory fascinating, and I have asked myself how we know that our lives matter to God.  Is there external evidence that God cares about us, in addition to the internal peace and joy that comes with knowing Jesus Christ: ("My peace I give to you; I do not give as the world gives.")?

As I thought about this question, I realized that of all the religious gurus and teachers in the history of mankind, Jesus is the only one who came with consistent healing along with his teaching.  He was always reaching out to the blind, the lame, the leper, the widow, the poor in spirit --- anyone who asked of Him.  God cares not only about our spiritual progress, the state of our souls, but also about our physical lives and conditions.

The church He established has founded hospitals, orphanages, schools and universities, homeless centers, soup kitchens, etc.  Wherever there are Christians, there is help.  Our lives matter to God; anyone who has ever read the first few chapters of Isaiah cannot help but be shocked at God's outrage against people who ignore the suffering of others.  He does not say, "Close your eyes and concentrate on your spiritual welfare."  He says: 

Your hands are full of blood; wash and make yourselves clean...Stop doing wrong and learn to do right!  Seek justice; encourage the oppressed.  Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow....(Is.1).

He has no taste for the religious ceremonies and sacrifices of those who oppress the poor and suffering --- all of the Old Testament testifies to His anger at injustice.   I have a friend who for years railed at the "angry God" of the Old Testament.  This friend is a loveable but volatile personality, so once I remarked to her:  Cheryl, when someone hurts your children, you become the God of the Old Testament!"  She had to admit I was right!

Recently, I have begun to watch It's a Miracle, an old tv program with Richard Thomas.  When you hear and see what God does/ has done again and again for those who are suffering and desperate, it leave little doubt that He cares about our lives.  Miracles still happen every day; the fact that we don't know about them does not change the fact that they still occur.  

The mercy and goodness of Our Father continues through the same ministry of Jesus Christ in the world today.  Not only our souls, but our lives matter to God!

Living Providentially

 Someone once asked me, "What does it mean to be 'poor in spirit'?  That is a question I have been pondering for years, actually.  But recently, a friend said to me, "I think you live very providentially."  Again, that remark caused me to pause and consider what he meant.  And I'm beginning to think that the answer to that question is the clue to the first!

So, when I first started treatment for cancer almost a year ago, the package information with my chemo pill said that this medicine might cause swelling of the ankles and legs.  Sure enough!  From the very beginning, I've experienced swollen ankles, feet, and legs --- sometimes worse than others, but at the end of every day, my ankles look like bagels. My doctor keeps recommending compression socks -- a real test for someone who grew up barefoot at every opportunity!  (I still kick off my shoes the moment i get in the house.)  I have come to accept this condition as my new reality, even though I have been off chemo for about 3-4 months now; the swelling has never subsided.  

Although I have learned to live with the condition, I am getting ready for a 13-hour plane trip to Japan next week, and I figured that will probably put me over the top with swollen legs, ankles, and feet.  So last week, for the first time, I asked God to let me know if there were any solution to this condition.  The very next day, my sister called about the trip (she will be going also), and I sort of complained about the swelling, mentioning that it was bound to get worse with travel.

She told me about a product she started using after knee replacement surgery, when her swelling refused to go down within the usual time period: Lymphgo!  (This is not an ad for Lymphgo....but she told me that within 24 hours of starting it, she saw results.)  Nothing works that fast!  However, what I am doing is not working either, so I ordered the product for both myself and my husband.  Surprise!  Within 24 hours, I began to see a difference.  After two days, I saw a huge difference for both of us. Could this be such a fast answer to my prayer?  It's hard to believe, but I have to believe what I am experiencing!

Is this what it means to "live providentially"?  My answer to the first question was that being "poor in spirit" meant to have no other resource but God.  And my meditation book this morning says that there are many ways of being "poor in spirit" --- chronic illness, disability, grief, depression, loneliness, regret ---the list is endless.  And all forms of pain  can cause us to turn in on ourselves, to hoard our personal resources for self-preservation.  But what if, instead, we gave from our poverty?  And what if our poverty caused us to turn to God for a solution?

Psalm 46 says, God is our refuge and our strength, an ever-present help in distress. Maybe that's our answer to both questions!

The Spirit of Practical Wisdom

 Last time, I wrote about how close God is to us in our daily lives.  It is really hard for most of us to really embrace that idea.  It is easier to believe, if we believe at all, in a God who is in His heaven while we are on earth and that there is a great gulf between the two "places."  But all of Scripture, from the beginning to the end shows the opposite -- it reveals God in search of man, God who wants to be "closer than a brother," God who wants to espouse His people, to be part of their daily lives, to embrace them in a marital hug, to "tabernacle" with them, or to dwell in their midst.

In Exodus, we see a God who, having delivered His people from slavery in Egypt, wants to dwell with them in the desert, so He commands them to build Him a "tent of meeting," where they can go and meet with Him.  In Chapter 31, the Lord says to Moses, "See, I have chosen Bezalel....and I have filled him with the Spirit of Practical Wisdom, with skill, ability, and knowledge in all kinds of crafts -- to make artistic designs for work in gold, silver, and bronze, to cut and set stones, to work in wood, and to engage in all kinds of craftsmanship.  Moreover, I have appointed Oholiab...to help him.  Also I have given skill to all the craftsmen to make everything I have commanded you; the Tent of Meeting, the Ark of the Testimony with the atonement cover on it, and all the other furnishings of the tent... and also the woven garments, both the sacred garments for Aaron the priest and the garments for his sons when they serve as priests, and the anointing oil and fragrant incense for the Holy Place."

[Note:  The term 'Spirit of Practical Wisdom" is from the Living Bible, which is a paraphrase of the original text.  Most bibles read "the Spirit of God" in this passage.]  However, the translation here brings home how close the "Spirit of God" is to our daily lives.  God is not in His heaven observing our lives and behaviors; in Jesus Christ, He has willed to "dwell among us" and to enter into our endeavors --- even to directing them, if we will allow Him.  In Revelation 3, Jesus says, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock; to anyone who opens, I will come in and sup with him, and he with Me."  He wants to partake of our daily lives/ eat of our bread and meat/, even as He offers us His daily bread and meat.

Just now, I am preparing for a trip to Japan.  Of course, with my health conditions, I have been in prayer about the wisdom of taking such a long journey.  I am willing to go or not to go, but I feel I need direction before striking out on my own, especially now.  In the meantime, I am packing my bags so that I will be ready to go, even knowing that I may have to unpack them in case the Spirit directs otherwise.  I have a very small tote bag which fits over the handle of my carry-on suitcase.  That small case holds all my medicine, along with digestive enzymes I must take with each meal, and emergency supplies for such a long trip --- including benedryll in case I accidently ingest peanuts or some other allegen that seriously affects my body.  All of these things must be close at hand in case of emergency -- they cannot be stuffed in an overhead bin.  

The problem is that the bag I have is just a bit too small for the supplies I need immediately.  It is convenient, but not quite large enough.  On my way home from the dentist, I felt a nudge in my spirit to check out the Goodwill store on my way home.  Now Goodwill carries loads of purses, backpacks, and tote bags --- but none of them have trolley straps that allow you to attach them to your luggage, so my reaction to the "nudge" was, "No, they never have anything like that; I've looked before."  Still, the urge to stop was so strong that I gave in --- and what did I find but the perfect bag, part of a three-piece set of luggage!  The 3rd piece was exactly what I needed --- small enough to have with me on the plane, large enough for all my supplies!  I couldn't believe it!  And I almost passed it by for lack of belief in the Spirit of Practical Wisdom! 

I guess if God cares enough to supply me with the exact tote bag I need, He cares enough to guide my journey along the way!  I think that if we yield to Him on a daily basis (maybe by praying with our hands gently upturned on our laps as a sign of our acceptance of His guidance), we might begin to experience  in our daily lives His Spirit of Practical Wisdom.

How Close He Is!

 For what other nation is there that has a god so near to it as the Lord our God is to us whenever we call upon him? (Deut. 4:7)

The history of Israel demonstrates how close God is to his people, those with whom He has a covenant beyond death.  In Jesus, that covenant/closeness is extended to all mankind, to whomever will accept it. Those of us who have walked through the shadow of death have had some glimpse of that closeness, but for many people, God is just "too busy" or too remote to bother about our little lives.

There is a current youtube video now about the second pilot shot down over Iran, whose plane crashed in the moutainous region where there was no vegetation to cover him.  Exposed, without water, injured, he faced certain death, whether found by the Iranian search parties or not.  But Jesus appeared to him, saying, "Follow Me!"  Although the soldier had a crushed knee which was beginning to swell badly, he began to walk after Jesus, who eventually led him 48 kilometers, past four Iranian checkpoints, to a plateau where he could be picked up by American helicopters.  Later, when he was debriefed by Army Intelligence, his story was held to be "impossible,"  as they traced his journey from the site of the crash to where he was rescued.

 Last night, I watched a program called It's A Miracle, which tells of similar miraculous events.  One story was of a pilot whose single-engine plane was about to crash.  Suddenly, a man appeared in the cockpit, telling the pilot that he would not die in that crash.  The pilot reported an unnatural sense of peace and calm as the plane nosedived into a field, burst into flames, and filled the cockpit with smoke.  Unable to release the seatbelt, the pilot reported that the "man" with him began to breathe in his face, giving him fresh air in the midst of heavy smoke.  Someone who had seen the plane go down ran to rescue the pilot and pulled him out of the plane, which immediately exploded.  Later, the rescuer remarked that he could not understand how the pilot could have survived the intense smoke filling the cabin.

After viewing the program last night, I woke up this morning thanking God for the numerous stories like this of His Presence in the midst of almost certain death.  As I sat down to pray, I heard in my spirit the word "Sirach."  I kind of vaguely thought to myself that I needed to re-read Sirach at some point, but mostly ignored the message otherwise.  After prayer, I reached for another book which I have been reading every morning.  But immediately, I heard more insistently: Read Sirach!

Now curious, I reached for my Catholic bible (Sirach is not included in the Protestant Bible), and opened to Sirach, but for some reason, I went to the very last page of the book, where at some point, I had written the following words in an empty space at the end of Sirach:

I give you thanks, Lord and King/  I praise you, God my Savior! 

I declare your name, refuge of my life, because you have ransomed my life from death;

You held back my body from the pit, and delivered my foot from the power of Sheol.

You have rescued me according to your abundant mercy/ From the snare of those who look for my downfall/ and from the power of those who seek my life. 

Since it has been awhile since I read Sirach, I had forgotten writing those words, taken from  the last chapter of the book.  Startled to find them in my present contemplation of God's closeness to us, I turned to Chapter 51, to read the whole thing, and found these words included:  from many a danger you have saved me, from flames that hemmed me in on every side; from the midst of unremitting fire, from the deep belly of the nether world (vv. 4-5).

Slowly the feeling crept over me that the Holy Spirit had not only guided my tv watching the previous night but somehow out of the multitude of Biblical words and stories, He also guided my reading this morning.  I am in awe at how close our God is to us!  

For those who don't usually read the Bible, I highly recommend perusing Sirach, especially the last chapter.  It gives one pause.......