Another Angel

On the day I called, You answered me;
You increased the strength of my soul (Psalm 138).

 Today is the feast of the Holy Guardian Angels, especially St. Raphael (his name means "the healing of God"), St. Michael (the Warrior) and St. Raphael (Messenger of God.)

I have always had a great devotion to my own Guardian Angel, who saved me from being kidnapped when I was five years old.  I probably have told that story somewhere along the way of this blog.  The story of St. Raphael's ministry of healing is told in the Book of Tobit which is not in the Protestant Bible, but it is a beautiful story.  

But this is the story of another angel, sent to me when I most needed help and comfort.  And I even know the name of this particular angel -- Chip Lassabe.  I hope he does not mind me telling this story.

From the time my cancer reappeared a year ago, I have not had any anxiety or worry, but only peace and even joy.  After all, I probably should have died in 2010 when my entire right lung was covered with a black mass --- and yet, I have had 16 wonderful years since then.  I figured I had had more blessings than I ever could have expected in that time, and I was ready to surrender now at 84, not really expecting to live much beyond that anyway.  The one issue I had not really thought about and dealt with was the idea of having to go on chemotherapy, although my doctor was willing to try an oral form instead of infusions.

Still, there was one day when I was totally unnerved, mostly due to confusion about what was happening and what to expect.  I received a phone call from "CVS," a name I naturally connected to the well-known drugstore, informing me that my insurance had approved the chemo drug prescribed by my doctor and that I could pick it up from any pharmacy.  This call was delivered by a "robo-voice" and there was no convervsation or explanation along with it.  Confused, I did not know my next step:  was I supposed to go to a CVS pharmacy ?  Our local pharmacy had closed a few years ago, and I did not know if there was a CVS anywhere locally.  I thought they had been  bought by Walgreen's.  

Was I supposed to go to Walgreen's and tell the pharmacist that I had lung cancer and that my insurance company had approved the drug?  I had no prescription to present to them; I did not know what to do, and for some reason that morning, the thought of telling the pharmacist that I needed chemotherapy overwhelmed me.  I started crying just imagining myself trying to explain the whole situation to a stranger.  The idea of being on chemotherapy more frightening to me than cancer itself.

In my confusion, I attempted to stop crying so as not to alarm my husband, and I opened a book lying on the footstool in front of me.  The first thing I read was a quote from Julian of Norwich, a 14th century mystic:  You shall see for yourself that all things will be well, and all manner of things shall be well.  Restless, and trying to get moving for the day, I closed the book and went to a table in my office where i picked up an old notebook, where I used to write notes during times of adoration of the Blessed Sacrament.  The notebook was open to the last entry, made at least a year previously:  You shall see for yourself that all things will be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

And then a third time that very morning, the same words appeared in the meditation book I used each day.  So I finally believed that God was sending me a definite message.  I cannot say I calmed down, but I did stop crying for awhile as I got dressed to go to Walgreen's.  On the way, I kept saying, "If only I had someone to talk to!"  I felt that I needed to release to pressure of approaching the pharmacist and telling him that i needed a chemo drug.  Somehow in the back of my mind, I knew something was wrong with this scenario, and that the pharmacist would know it!

When I got to Walgreen's, I sat in the car, again crying at the thought of trying to actually facing the reality of chemotherapy.  "If only I had someone to talk to," I said again.  At that point, there was a gentle knock on my window, and I saw a sweet looking young man peering in at me.  When I rolled down the window, he said, "Mam, I can't go in there and leave you sitting out here like this!  If you need someone to talk to, I'm here to listen."  

"I have lung cancer," I said, "but that's not the problem."  "Okay," he said.  "And I have to start chemotherapy, but that's not really the problem either," I said.  "I'm trying to understand," he replied through my tears.  "The problem is that I have to go in there and tell the pharmacist to order the drug."  (I never claimed that this would make sense!)  

After he offered to go into the drugstore with me, I realized that I just was not ready; I was still confused about the whole opearation.  Nothing made sense to me without a prescription! My "angel" finally said words that brought me absolute peace:  "You don't have to put yourself through this!  Drive down to the beach and listen to the waves and watch the birds flying in circles.  When you are calm and peaceful, call your doctor and ask what you are supposed to do now."  

I cannot tell you the instant peace and calm his words brought to me!  All of a sudden, I knew he had said the words I needed to hear.  I was taking on a burden that I didn't need to carry.  He wrote his name and number on a card for me --- he is an off-shore drill worker on leave for a few days.  And I drove off with peace in my heart.  His advice was 100% on target!  I arrived home joyful and ready for whatever came next.  And later that day, my doctor's office called me to tell me the drug had been approved and that they would deliver it to my home!  

You shall see for yourself that all things will be well, and all manner of things will be well!  (The words of Jesus to Julian of Norwich).  

On the day i called, you answered me and increased the strength of my soul!  (Psalm 138).

If You Knew the Gift of God.......

 I had just started reading the Bible and did not know anything about it when I came across the words With joy you will draw water from the well of salvation (Is. 12:3).  My heart leaped.  Like Julian of Norwich, who believed that all God's works had been done especially for her, I felt that these words had been written just for me.  Later on, when I read John 4:10,* I immediately connected the two passages.  (* If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.)

This morning, I was praying and reflecting on the twenty-third Psalm (The Lord is my Shepherd) when for some reason, I had a flashback to being at a Buddhist temple in Singapore.  I had asked the guide what one had to do to reach enlightenment according to Buddha.  He explained the seven tenets of Buddhism, which basically can be achieved by right thinking, ethical living, and meditation.  (These tenets differ according to the forms of Buddhism but come down to purity of heart, mind, and action -- do no harm, do good, and embrace suffering.)  As I listened to the guide, I recognized that some of the "virtues" he described did not come naturally to me and hardly accounted for the greed, avarice, pride, and just plain meanness that are part of the human experience.  

"If these are not part of you, where do you go to acquire these qualities?" I asked the guide.  "No one ever asked me that question!" the guide responded. Later on, I read that one is supposed to meditate oneself into a state of nirvana, or stillness, in order to overcome weakness and suffering.  "And if we fail to reach enlightenment, then what?" I asked.  "The Buddha will give you a second chance," he replied.  "Ah, reincarnation!" I said.  

I have friends who are Buddhists, and I have to say that they do make every effort to live according to the principles of the Buddha.  But when I enter into the twenty-third Psalm, I just have to be extremely grateful for the Gift I have been given:  He leads me beside restful waters; He restores my soul!

The Lord is my Shepherd; there is nothing I shall want; he makes me to lie down in green pastures....He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.  Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for YOU ARE WITH ME;  Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the midst of my enemies.  You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.  Surely goodness and kindness will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.  

Notice the Psalm begins in with the third person, "the Lord....He..." but switches to the second person, For YOU are with me, when we walk through the valley of the shadow of death.

I AM THE WAY, THE TRUTH, AND THE LIFE.  There is no other name by which men willl be saved; no one has seen God, but God, the only Son, has made Him known......The Buddha would have said, "Live by these principles; follow my teaching.".. but he would not have said, "I am the Way."

We don't have to reach nirvana by our own efforts, knowing that we are "sinners," or "natural men" who struggle with our own weakness; we have Someone Who shepherds us and Who makes us to "lie down in green pastures," Whose Holy Spirit in us leads us to peace and to the love of God for which we are made.  Alleluia! Alleluia!  Thanks be to God!  It is done for us and in us by Jesus who loves us and shepherds us by His Own Holy Spirit!