Fear and Faith

It was a warm summer's afternoon in the 1980's.  We were living in Metairie, about 4 miles from our church, and I was getting ready to attend the Saturday vigil Mass at 5:00 pm.  For some odd reason, I had forgotten that my husband was attending a conference downtown, and since we had only one car, I had no transportation to church.  I walked out the front door about 20 minutes to 5 and stood in mild shock staring at the empty driveway.  I briefly thought about starting to walk to church, but then realized the impossibility of making 4 miles in 20 minutes.  Suddenly, I heard a voice in my spirit: Fear turns back; Faith goes forward.

Laughing at my own foolishness, I decided to take a chance.  The worst that could happen would be that I would go a mile and turn back, having taken a much-needed walk.  The best that could happen would be that I would get a ride to church and learn something about faith.  My biggest problem was that we lived alongside a canal, and in order to cut off about half a mile's distance, I would have to walk in the weeds along the canal for a short distance in my good clothes and shoes. 

Rapidly trudging alongside the canal, I tried not to think about how stupid this whole idea was.  Actually, though, I had an inner sense of adventure and excitement.  I was, in a sense, "testing God" to see if the voice in my head was real or only my imagination.  After leaving the weeds, I walked alongside the main road for about half a mile when I spotted some good friends at an intersection.   They were waiting for traffic to clear when they saw me waving from across the street.  Crossing over to go in my direction, they stopped to pick me up, asking whether I was going to church too.

When they heard my story, they could not believe it.  They had been leaving for church when their mother realized she had forgotten something and so had been delayed for a few minutes while she went back into the house to retrieve it.  Thus, they "happened" to be at the intersection at the same time I arrived there.  What a great lesson it was for both of us:  Fear turns back; faith goes forward!

Mulling over the whole situation later, I realized that if I had gotten ready for church knowing that I had no car and not enough time to walk, it might have been presumption on my part to think God would provide a way, when I could have just waited until Sunday morning to attend Mass.  But my decision to walk was based solely on the direction of the moment, which I though might have been coming from the Holy Spirit.  I wanted to test that voice, which seemed so strong and so sure.  It was hard for me to believe that I was making it up on the spur of the moment.  And how glad I was that I decided to try it out!  I was learning to believe that God would guide me in more difficult moments of my life. 

It seems to me that this was what the journey of Abraham might have been all about.  First, a Voice inviting him to take a chance to "Come and see."  Then, Abraham being intrigued and wondering what might happen if he ventured forth.  Could this Voice be trusted?  And finding out along the way that he was not left alone after all.  Little by little discovering in small and then in larger ways that he was being held up and accompanied on the way.

The Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard wrote: We cannot stop doubt with reasons. Those who try have not learned that it is wasted effort.....if someone wanted to be [Jesus's] follower, he said to that person something like this: "Venture a decisive act; then you can begin, then you will know."  What does this mean? It means that no one becomes a believer by hearing about Christianity, by reading about it, by thinking about it....No, a certain setting is required---venture a decisive act. The proof does not precede but follows; it exists in and with the life that follows Christ.   (Kierkegaard, Provocations)